| Feeling down so i took a test |
[02 Nov 2008|10:14pm] |
the test can be found at http://www.9types.com
The Romantic (the Four)
Romantics have sensitive feelings and are warm and perceptive.
How to Get Along with Me
* Give me plenty of compliments. They mean a lot to me.
* Be a supportive friend or partner. Help me to learn to love and value myself.
* Respect me for my special gifts of intuition and vision.
* Though I don't always want to be cheered up when I'm feeling melancholy, I sometimes like to have someone lighten me up a little.
* Don't tell me I'm too sensitive or that I'm overreacting!
What I Like About Being a Four
* my ability to find meaning in life and to experience feeling at a deep level
* my ability to establish warm connections with people
* admiring what is noble, truthful, and beautiful in life
* my creativity, intuition, and sense of humor
* being unique and being seen as unique by others
* having aesthetic sensibilities
* being able to easily pick up the feelings of people around me
What's Hard About Being a Four
* experiencing dark moods of emptiness and despair
* feelings of self-hatred and shame; believing I don't deserve to be loved
* feeling guilty when I disappoint people
* feeling hurt or attacked when someone misundertands me
* expecting too much from myself and life
* fearing being abandoned
* obsessing over resentments
* longing for what I don't have
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| the day of the dead |
[19 Oct 2008|06:29pm] |
Halloween is coming up, can I express how much I am NOT looking forward to it? How come no one ever things to teach you things like how to cope with endings?
Blah.
Hope the best for any who are still watching me =0) i'll try to write more.
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| Friendship |
[23 May 2008|10:20pm] |
I"m in a weird mood. But i feel kinda... lonely. I feel like i'm a "satellite" friend, you know, that friend you have but never really invite to anything, or if invited never really comes along. I've done that to myself I suppose. I dont really enjoy the drinking, carousing, that it seems most people do. But i do hate feeling left out. I suppose it could mean i dont have the "kind" of friends that I should, but i love them.
meh.
i'm going to snuggle with muh teddy bear, read and get some sleep.
ciao
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[23 May 2008|05:20pm] |
Your results:
You are Spider-Man
| Spider-Man |
| 80% |
| Supergirl |
| 75% |
| Wonder Woman |
| 65% |
| Superman |
| 60% |
| Hulk |
| 60% |
| Robin |
| 57% |
| Green Lantern |
| 55% |
| The Flash |
| 55% |
| Catwoman |
| 50% |
| Batman |
| 50% |
| Iron Man |
| 40% |
|
You are intelligent, witty,
a bit geeky and have great
power and responsibility.
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Click here to take the Superhero Personality Quiz
eat your heart out Riley Knight! Muah ha ha ha
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| D.A. |
[22 May 2008|01:20pm] |
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Anyone else have a deviant art account?
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| School |
[21 May 2008|02:17pm] |
I ended the semester fairly well. I got an A in chemistry and Math, and got a B in physiology (i hated that class).
Summer i'm taking English 2 online, yeah for that. and in the fall i'm taking Trig, Spanish1, Chem2, Creative writing online, Health Online.
sounds crazy huh. I'm really looking forward to creative writing, chem 2 shouldn't be too bad, spanish is mostly memorization, and Trig might be difficult but i've got a good teacher.
AND i still have no idea what i want to do. or maybe to many ideas. Life is too complicated. I quit. LOL
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| yesturday blahs |
[01 May 2008|11:05am] |
I suppose yesturday was more then blah, or less then to be more exact. Though then one has to acctually figure out where everything stands on the "emotional spectrum". Anyway, yesturday was the 6month anniversery of my fathers death. =0/ cancer sucks. I have been so wrapped up in school-( finals, figuring out what classes i want to take next semester, trying to figure out what i want to be when i grow up), had a medical issue (alien trying to escape my brain. you think i'm kidding LOL), stress over my job and wanting to get a new one. I just got lost in life i suppose, and then remembered that....and it made everything else seem so trivial. I miss him so much. I felt so alone, and hurt and it felt like it was all happening all over again. It was, to say, a very hard night for me emotionally.
SO anywya, i'm off to study, so i can get the grades my father would be proud of (and would expect of me to be honest). He woudl be upset if i let "him" get in the way of me...perhaps that was one of our issues.
Rawr. i just wanna crawl in bed with my teddy bear and cry some more.
But i wont. have a great one!
Blessed Be!
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[29 Apr 2008|10:21pm] |
Just thought i'd give you a quick " I"M ALIVE!"
i'm still kinda realing from my fathers death. most times i'm okay since i can lose myself in school---which is driving me crazy! finals in two weeks, chemistry, college algebra and physiology (gawd i hate that class). i may have to take phys again.
i'll be taking comp 2 over the summer online, and next fall will be hell =) trig, chem2, spanish1, health/wellness online and creative writing online( just because i want to damn it!)... so yeah. i'm crazy.
on another rambling note im' going to try to get a job at t-mobile soon. cross your fingers for me (better pay even though i'll have to acctually work LOL)
so yeah. i'm here. alive. ticking as it were. perhaps I wont explode.
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| life |
[07 Dec 2007|12:54am] |
Life had been crazy. I've updated my myspace journal a few times, more b/c it was simply there.
My father passed away 10/30/07. I get to live the rest of my life with my decision not to tell him that i'm transexual, though i'm somewhat mollified since i think he already knew. I'm going into my 27th birthday next Thursday, and it'll be the first I do so without a father. We weren't terribly close. We had a rough relationship through my teens, and i spent a good 3 years not talking to him at all. (not out of spite mind you, mostly b/c i'm just horrible keeping in touch). We said our peace though, and he apologized for what i had forgiven him for. It was nice though, that he took repsonsibility for some of what went on. I loved him very much and i will miss him so. I wrote something which i read at his funeral, perhaps i'll post here sometime.
Add to that it's finals week next week and i have a test tomorrow that i'm not prepared for.
and my relationship isn't in the best of shape either. It's not bad, but we're trying an "open" relationship. Which is okay to be honest. My whole issue is that i'm not really sexually attracted to him. (i've been very upfront about that from teh beginning) but i love him very much. He's been amazing and i'm not sure i would've handled the week of my fathers passing very good without him there.
School, minus finals, is going well. I'm pretty gurenteed to end it with 2 'a's, and 2 'b's though i'm trying to get those 'b's to "a's b/c they are soooo close. I'm not entirly certain i want to be a dental hygenist but i figure it's a job that i'll make 45-60k a year. ::shrugs:: thats a few years away though. i've time.
I just finished Jim Butcher's book "Captains Fury" and i LOVE IT! I love jim butcher! It's strange the places you find help and guidence from though. I can't find it right now,but he spoke about pain in his novel. It touched me and made me smile (so of course i can't find it! LOL) I think it was someting about living.
ah well. i need to make some flash cards then get to bed.
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| updated profile on myspace |
[18 Jan 2007|03:00pm] |
It is said in mythology, that the Phoenix is reborn within the ashes of its own cleansing fire. Like the Devil card in tarot, the Phoenix is the tool of her/his own destruction. Of course S/he builds her pyre/nest with the express intent of her death and immanent rebirth. Perhaps it has been my own undoing, or my saving grace, but long ago I chose the Phoenix as my Totem. Not that one gets to choose their Guides, Totems, or Guardian Angels, and to be honest I’m not certain that S/he is one of mine (though I do know a few of ‘em, even if I don’t know Their names.) I do believe though, that like the metaphor of the Phoenix, I have been the tool of my own destruction, and subsequent resurrection.
I am a Dreamer and a Poet, a soul in constant metamorphosis. Striving to become the person whom I Dreamt as a child, learning to dance with my Demons, to forgive myself, to Love myself utterly and completely, as is my Divine right.
<p>
For those who may question I am Transgendered. What that means is that I exist somewhere in the middling grey between the gender binary. Does that confuse you? Good. Welcome to my world! If you’ve never had to question your gender then you may not understand, or even empathize, with me and my Journey, and I don’t ask you too, but I would ask that you be civil and polite, which can be difficult enough sometimes. SO all this and you still don’t know much about me huh? Well I was born out in California and spent most of my developmental childhood there. Only to be sent to Missouri about the age of 8 to live with my Father. I found out later it was my Mothers effort to “masculine-ize” me. She did what she could, as did my father, and I love them both, and they love me, even if they don’t understand. I’ve always been feminine and I suppose had I been born a girl I would’ve been a tomboy to an extent. I’ve been “transitioning” since December of ’05 when I started hormones, though I’d been agonizing over what this meant to me since ’02. I can’t say where the transition will take me, but I enjoy whats happening. So far there’s been a redistribution of fat towards my hips and @ss, breast growth, skin softening, hair lessening (except that damn facial hair! ugg! I hate it! And being a red head means that laser hair removal has minimal affect! ), and more hair growth on the top of my head (yeah who knew there was room for more!)
<p>
I’ve also started dating. I’ve been seeing someone since July of 2006. He is on his own journey of acceptance and though he considers himself gay (with bi tendencies) he Loves me as I am and would support me if I chose to live my life as a woman, even to the extent of having “the snip and tuck”. Our journey together has been very nice. He is a gentleman to the very definition (defined as “A well-mannered and considerate man with high standards of proper behavior.”-- The American Heritage® Dictionary of the English Language, Fourth Edition.)
It’s amazing to me! I feel, for lack of a better term, like a Lady! He opens doors for me, sends me flowers, sends me texts just to say he loves me, make sure that I’m taken care of. Sexually he’s even a gentlman, he’s passionate and sensual yet wont push me to have sex, allowing me to simply enjoy someone enjoying me. He doesn’t shy away from “my unfeminine boy parts” yet doesn’t try to make me “use” them. I’m learning so much by simply being in a relationship with him, and he is, so he says, learning from me. While we don’t know where this is going, we know where it is and we are okay with that.
I’ve said a lot of nothing, yet I’ve said a lot! feel free to ask questions, because that is how we learn. Blessed Be and thank you for taking time to read.
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| I hold the carvers knife... |
[24 Nov 2006|12:42am] |
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mood |
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 sad |
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...that carves into my soul (a reference of sorts to Kahlil Gibrans "the Prophet" from chapter 8 on joy and sorrow )
You see, the problem here is that I am Human. I share, with the rest of the human race, an inherantly selfish nature, hidden somewhat obscurly within my desire to please others. Not to say there isn't a healthy dose of selfishness, though i'm sure there's a better term to describe it at that point. perhaps "assertiveness" in our desires or something like that. But to be selfish is to make your own needs and desires, whatever they may be -wealth, money, sex, drugs, alcohol, food, i'm sure the list is endless-- more important then the needs and desires of those around you, to such an extent that you would hurt them, or make them go without, so that you can have yours. Again, to some extent there is a balance there. I think it's healthy to look out and have concern for ones own welfare. I suppose perhaps that line is crossed when respect is lost. when your so concerned with your "self" that you lose respect for others around you, and you hurt them carelessly perhaps even ruthlessly--though not necissirily without remorse.
And how could I not be selfish when raised in the fasion I was. The adults in my life were definatly more concerned with their own "concerns" and "desires" then to acctually make changes in their life for me ( course perhaps it's selfish of me to expect that they would do that, that anyone would do that for that matter ). The lesson, though unspoken, was clear I suppose, and i learned it better then i thought i did. I've not been malicious in my selfishness, I never set out with the intention of causing anyone discomfort, turmoil, pain, or suffering. I'm struggling right now acctually with how much to "beat" myself up, how much "hurt" i desearve, how much damage i've done, how much i've f*cked up, and ofcourse as ever that demonic whisper (*note* to those who dont know, i use "demons" as a symbolic description of my depression with its many faces and multitudes of negative self-talk and worthlessness) says that perhaps THIS time i should just end it. I know, how dramatic right? I hate puting it in writing b/c i feel it makes me seem such a drama queen, but I think it is also harmfull to myself to ignore that my automatic reaction to trama, however it was caused or whomever caused it. Feelings are valid. Thats been one of the hardest things for me to learn, and is a constant battle. Even know as i write this i remind myself that I am ALLOWED to hurt, I am ALLOWED to feel fear, and I am allowed to express it. Course the flip side is how much hurt am I really feeling and how much am I using to just be mean to myself, how much fear is valid and how much is just reflections of that fear?
I made a bad decision today. I acctually made a bad decision, gosh, 3 weeks ago? no, 2 weeks I think. maybe 3. Anyway, that decision was based on my "fear of commitment", which by the way, i truely believed at that time! But underlying that was simply a fear of loss. The loss of pure, unadulterated sex. For a good two years of my life or more, that is how i defined the worthy-ness of my life and myself. My identity as a "sexual goddess" defined me more then i cared to admit. Even when i stopped having all that anonymous sex, and not so anonymous sex, I still clung to that idenity with a tancity that i dind't understand untill today. to have confidence in ones sexual idenaty is healthy, and i'm sure it's a struggle for everyone, but mine has been very unhealthy. Dont go thinking that i'm starting to have moral dilemas about having sex with men, because i'm not, I LOVE men. It was unhealthy because it defined such a large base of who I am. I think, I was afraid--when faced with athat commitment, that i would lose that, and in losing that, lose a vital and crucial part of who I am. Which, ones sexual identaty is definatly a part of the whole, but only a part. So stemming from that decision, my "fear of commitment" (even though i was and am already emotionally committed), I felt that I was within my 'right' to do what i've done. I didnt' try to hide that i was meeting someone, though i suppose i was a bit nieve to think that a man would travel to see me, even if it's just 'on his way through', to just meet me to possibly be friends.
Already, i'm sure, you can see where things went. I didn't expect sex to happen, and I told this gent not ot expect it either. So we met, and he really is an interesting man and has lived an interesting life. And i wasn't swayed by his talk of "connection" or when he said that he wanted to connect with someone in more then a physical manor, and he wanted that someone to be me. I told him, respectfully, that i was dating someone right now that i cared for and loved dearly and that i would feel very uncomfortable procuring any sort of relationship with him outside the bounds of friends, and possibly friends with benefits, atleast untill i was in a "commited' relationship. I reitereated over and over through-out the time he was here that i was involved. The sex was okay. I'm proud to say i didn't let him "in" without a condom, and while some of the sex was pleasant, it wasn't "earthshattering", and i often thought, "gawd i wish my baby were here." After it was over, we quickly cleaned up and got dressed. He offered me a ride (oh the pun!) but i declined, we said our "goodbye, talk to you later" (after he said i needed to invite him down again...i dont think he liked it when i made it clear to him that i wouldn't have sex with him if i was in a commited relationsihp, i mean he smiled and laughed and such, but i doubt, even if i wanted to, i'll ever see this man again)
I am, at the center of who I am, an honest person, with a good and loving heart. It is that core of self that helped me survive the demons of peuberty, when i didn't understand why it seemed "everone" saw me as this monster, when it lead me to question and to find my own way. So when i talked to the gentlman i'm dating, my love, the man i hold most dear, i did so with a clear mind. I mean, afterall, i didn't break any vows or any rules, and we'd even discussed this sort of situation in the past, hence my own selfishness to have acctually gone through with it. And later that evening when he asked, and i confessed, i realized in that silence and abrupt "gotta go", that i had overstepped myself. I spent all day in turmoil, wanting to give him his space, yet also wanting to confront this monster that i had created, wanting to hear him say that it would all be okay, wanting to hear him say he still loved me, hell even hear him say "i'm pissed and hurt." to hear him tell me that he wanted me to commit to him, even more, hearing him say he wanted to be commited to me. But i got silence. Well desearved, but it hurt non-the-less. Even so he called me once at work to let me know what was going on...again i wanted him to talk...but he just wanted to tell me what was going on, said he "loved me" and let me go. Tonight, our goodnight call, usually hours in the making, was a short and tortuous 15 min of tears on my face as we talked haltingly of the mundane things of the day. Even then, he said "i love you".
So i hold the knife, that carves into my soul. I could lay this, too, at the feet of my parents, but i will take the responsibility for a decision made wrong, especially now that i better understand WHY i would do it, even knowing that it would cause pain. To understand a little better that i'm not a spoiled wrotten brat that just wants my cake and to eat it too. I wont be doing this again. I wont put myself in this situation, nore the one I Love. It was unfair, and unworthy of me, and i'm so very very sorry. I recognize my own commitment, and with all that is still uknown, i suppose i can take comfort in that, at least and not in the least ,that he still loves me.
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| 5 weeks into eternity... |
[01 Sep 2006|10:27pm] |
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It amazes me that this man is a part of my life. Part of me thinks I desearve this wonderfull man that has so quickly become a part of my daily life, but there are deeper and more intense parts that feel truley blessed. I look at the life i've lead up until this point, and am greatfull for the most part. My parents taught me to love unconditionally, although that love lacked any sort of dependence or promise of security. My friends have taught me, simply in their continued presance in my life, that I am, in all accuality, worthwhile...thought i still struggle with that one. And my ex taught me to love another human being utterly and complelty, of course he also shattered my heart and left other issues that I still find i'm coping with. But as "tragic" as some of my life has been, i have learned from it, and i have striven to learn from it, and from those "tragic" events. To figure out why I get so sad and down on myself, and that has all brought me to a place where i can start letting someone in. I can begin to "fight" myself, and let myself trust this man, this wonderfull wonderfull man. ( long post )
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| in other news |
[03 Aug 2006|03:35pm] |
So i guess i'm dating. I think. Thats good right? ::grins:: oh how i make things complicated! "when it rains it pours". but for now i'm going with it.
( oh the places you'll go )
is that a cryptic enough way to leave the entry?
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| news |
[01 Aug 2006|01:41pm] |
There is an old addage that says "no news is good news." I put some stock into that. I recieved news today, it could be an overreactive stepmother, but it could also be the beginning of the end. News is: my father isn't doing well. I dont know any of the details yet, but i'm assuming right now that the chemo treatments havn't shrunk the cancer, and it's taking it's toll on my father.
It is sad news to me, even if it's not unexpected and even though my father and I aren't close. I love him dearly, and i know he loves me...even if he doestn' know. I still dont think i'm going to tell him. Meh
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| *update* |
[25 Jul 2006|06:15pm] |
my estrogen came in today, ::grins:: call it faith, divinity, or what have you, but i took my last pill this evening, and then found the box out by the door. so i continue on, one step at a time, to the beat of my own little drum.
much love to all of you! ::hugs::
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| thanks |
[25 Jul 2006|01:37pm] |
thank you to everyone who is giving me the emotional support i need right now. i'm not very good at "reaching out" as it were, as i have this insane belief that i dont matter. I know where it came from, mostly, but i dont really know how to "fix" it.
so yah. thank you. i'm off to play a video game, final fantasy one. Old school baby. I'm bored and dont wanna sit here and "think" of things. so thanks again! ::hugs and kisses::
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| got it again |
[25 Jul 2006|01:30pm] |
| Your True Love Is a Scorpio | 
Why you'll love a Scorpio:
Strong and sexy, Scorpio will overpower you into falling in love (before you even realize it!).
You'll love being swept away by Scorpio - into a world of insane passion.
Why a Scorpio will love you:
You don't mind letting your Scorpio take the reigns, as long as you know you're truly cared for.
Loyal and devoted, you would never do anything to set off insanely jealous Scorpio. |
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[17 Jul 2006|03:12pm] |
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update....my volume was on mute...dont know how that happend! LOL
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